Learning.

These past couple of weeks have been nothing but relapse and stagnation. I understand my mind has a tendency to drift back into old habits, simply because of my distaste toward venturing outside of my comfort zone. As someone with self-diagnosed clinical depression, I realize that my brain is not where it should be in terms of performance, and I understand that my unwillingness to move forward with my life is an effect of such inadequate functioning. My intellectual brain thinks lowly of this, as I cannot logically discern as to why I would be in the current state that I am.

However, I know that the mind is a powerful thing, as therapy, mediation, and mindfulness have taught many of us. It is just the matter of harnessing said power that becomes a challenge. So I have begun researching every form of mindfulness available to me: yoga, Buddhist practices, psychology, selflessness, purpose, etc.

I've developed a kinship with modern Buddhist doctrine, though I detest the idea of denying myself a purpose. Hence, yoga. Yoga circles around the mantra of purpose, center, and grounding oneself, while uplifting the physical aspects of one's body. As a past health enthusiast in my childhood, bodily conditioning is every bit as appealing as mind conditioning. Killing two birds with one stone is yoga's main astounding perk. Psychology fits into my normal everyday routine of never ceasing to think. I use my highly-functioning intellectual thoughts to formulate ideas of why I may be thinking the thoughts that I am; about why I cannot motivate myself; and about why depression is so prominent in modern society. It sates the scholar in me. Selflessness, however, borders a perfectly contrasting mentality, in which one practices forgetting oneself. I have come to realize that a selfless person in said society is a terribly difficult feat. When my generation is known branded as tastelessly self-centered, narcissistic millennials. But if I cannot give myself away for fear of being trampled, I can at least practice basic generosity and learn to expect the least, if not nothing.

As for my purpose, I'm still working on that. The logical side of my brain fights with this idea, as I believe that humans are just glorified animals. Society puts so much pressure on young people to "find their purpose" and we are critically asked what we want to be when we grow up, as if it is the key point we have to look forward to. At such a young age, I lacked the knowledge to even obtain a job application, much less cash a check, or drive a standard. Knowing what I wanted to be was a distant mirage. After 6 years or more of trying to figure out what I want to be, I learn that practicality must be factored into your choice. And where I grew up, practically is severely limiting.

So I do some more studying. Free online courses, internships, volunteering, patchwork jobs, and many many many unanswered emails. It is the most wearisome thing I could do. And yet, I try to keep my mindfulness, and look upon the bright side.

Because sometimes, things may just work out.